Stay

I’m starting to hurt again. It’s been well overdue and as prepared as I thought I was, I am not. This feeling isn’t new, but it isn’t old. It’s refreshing in the way you jump into the ocean that’s a little too cold. Even though, i’ve been here, it feels like the end. It always feels like the end because it truly could be.
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
There are days that are good, and those are the days I strive for. The ones in between are torture. A mind full of hurtful words, thoughts, and actions, only to be silenced with an upset stomach. I’m sick, I’m as sick as I can get and I don’t know what to do. The remedies aren’t working like they used to. Distractions last no longer than an instant and time is a weight on my shoulder. I’m not just hurting myself, but those around me. I’ve turned into a destructive monster pushing all the good far far away from me. After all these years, it’s me that’s incapable of feeling. My anxiety damages my well being. My depression kills my motivation. My suicidal tendencies keep me from growing.
I’m so lonely. So sad. I wish I had the courage to be something better. I always feel like I am so much more, but on days, weeks, months like this, I’m me. Slowly fading out of this world until I get the courage to end it. I hope I never get that kind of courage, but the kind that raises me out of the grave i’ve dug and buried myself prematurely in. For now, all I can do is reflect. Use the pain inside confirm what I’ve always thought. I am nothing but my worst self.

cynthia-viv:
It’s my nature to stay in my corner and watch the others. I enjoy my little observations.
–Colette, tr. by Matthew Ward, from The Collected stories; “The Accompanist”.